Aug 29

New danger in South African waters

South African swimmers have been  warned to protect private parts after discovery of notorious exotic fish

 Zinkiplib, with teeth designed to crush nuts and fruit, is the source of the caution

An exotic Zinkiplib fish has been caught of the coast of Durban in South Africa, and it’s cause for serious alarm—especially among human males who like to swim there.

Zinkiplibs, which are native to South America, are related to piranhas, which have sharper teeth and are notorious for how quickly they can remove flesh from the bones of their prey.

But the Zinkiplib is different to the piranhas as they possess teeth that are almost molar-like and are designed for crushing nuts and fruit. In fact there have been numerous reports of these fish attacking the most sensitive area on the male human body.

Thus, the National Swimming and Rare Species Commission of  South Africa has issued a warning: “Keep your private parts protected when swimming in the ocean.” The commission is suggesting the use of ‘ball boxes’ as used by cricket players. The only concern with the use of the boxes is the likelihood of your male member ‘slipping’ out unawares and alerting the fish. The Zinkiplib is believed to be highly sensitive to ‘wriggling’ or ‘dangling’ movements that create low frequency pulsations within the water.

The Skankville Times, a non local newspaper newspaper, quotes museum biologist Dixie Rect as saying, “The Zinkiplib is not normally dangerous to people but it has quite a serious bite. … There have been incidents in other countries, such as Lesotho, where some men have had their testicles bitten off.” Their bite has been closely affiliated with cheap circumcisions within the local community as a rip off.

Dixie Rect acknowledged that such instances are extremely rare, and that he was having “a bit of fun” in discussing this discovery.

But such an ominous warning is bound to at least temporarily eliminate swimming on Durban’s beaches. .

Meanwhile, the presence of a Zinkiplib is as mysterious as it is troubling. More than likely, someone who had kept the tropical fish in a home aquarium released it into the ocean.

Are there others out there?

People are asked to be on the lookout, while also guarding their private parts.

“They are almost identical to the piranha, you couldn’t even tell from the outside,” Dixie Rect said of the fearsome Zinkiplib. “It’s just that they have different teeth. Flatter and stronger, perfect for crushing.”.

While Dixie Rect confessed that “there’s nothing to worry about” and that South African swimmers are more likely to drown than be bitten in a sensitive area by a Zinkiplib, he did not entirely dismiss the danger.

“It could become a problem some time in the future if it’s not the only one,” he said. “This one was the first, but who knows, it’s probably not the last.”

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